


Stir-Fry and Crazy

by lucidhalos



Series: Magic, Tasers, & Bullets [1]
Category: Deadpool (2016), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avenger Loki, Awesome Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis's Taser, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, F/M, Good Loki, Humor, One Shot, Post-Avengers (2012), Sexual Humor, Warning: Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 15:08:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6084294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucidhalos/pseuds/lucidhalos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[One-Shot] In which, Deadpool interrupts a certain date.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stir-Fry and Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> So this stemmed from a little something that I saw on Tumblr about Deadpool being retold the story of how Darcy and Loki hooked up. My little mind decided to take the concept of the mercenary meeting the two, and putting my own spin on it. Because hey, I’d love to see what kind of shit hits the fan when they’re placed in the same room together.
> 
>  _ **Post-Avengers.** No Deadpool spoilers.  Slightly AU._  
> This is not beta’d. Any mistakes are my own.
> 
> One-Shot. I regret nothing.

* * *

Darcy and Loki were enjoying each other’s company, as the chef at the table set up for the showcase of their dinner. The two had gone out on a date at a hibachi house that she had suggested, considering Loki still didn’t know much about restaurants in the city and Darcy stalked food review boards as much as she roamed Facebook and Tumblr. 

Hey, she was a girl with an appetite.

It had been a pleasant and unexpected surprise that she had not declined considering his history. Of course, it had been almost two years since he had gone rampant and leveled a majority of New York City. He had to admit, it wasn’t his entire doing but the Tesseract had taken hold of his emotions and compelled him to act upon it.

He initially had felt no remorse what so ever. People had simply gotten in his way or were at a bad place at a bad time. The greater good always won out in the end, and all those sacrifices were meant to pave a road towards his success.

However, he had failed with his takeover. He had underestimated everything and everyone around him and as a result, he was caught. Loki had been imprisoned by S.H.I.E.L.D. and forced to help clean up the destruction and reconstruct the city. That had been one part of several punishments for his crimes.

Somewhere along the way, he grew regretful of his actions once he realized how much harm he had caused and how selfish he had been with his goals. He had been so blindsided by his own vendetta and rage that he had failed to see the consequences of his actions. 

While he regretted that, he could not regret everything. The outcome of his treacherous ways was that he had been placed under the arrest of the Avengers, which eventually led him to meet the curvaceous woman next to him. He certainly didn't regret meeting her. 

Initially, when she had first met him her distaste and hate for him was as clear as day. He couldn’t say he really cared for her much then either—she was just another mortal to him that he was forced to interact with. However, somewhere along the way the two found out they had some commonalities and a comparable taste for mischief and humor. A friendship had blossomed out of all the hate.

And somewhere along the way, he had his heart stolen too—but he had yet to voice those feelings to her. He wasn’t sure if she felt the same and he was skittering on the idea of telling her tonight. However, his fear of rejection gripped at him and rendered him mostly mute.

There was a sudden commotion at the entrance and the two craned their heads to see what the disruption was about. The chef had long disappeared back into the kitchen to get the rest of his supplies and left the two alone.

A man clad in a red spandex walked casually in, ignoring the cries of protest from the hostess and members of the staff. You could not just walk in, unless you had called in advance and evidently, this man had not done so. 

He was clearly ignoring all the ruckus and curses being fired at him in Japanese, as the hostess reached for the phone.

He froze midstride and stared at their table, tilting his head. He seemed to be squinting his eyes in assessment. He pointed, telling the staff something as he headed towards them.

The staff seemed cautious but alerted the hostess who immediately dropped the phone with a huff. Whatever he had said, they were no longer interested in pursuing him to stop him and she had an idea of what he had possibly said.

Darcy pursed his lips, not liking this one bit. Loki, on the other hand, was inwardly contemplating if he could get away with murdering the stranger without getting in trouble. His slate had been relatively clean for the last two years. Was it truly a crime to kill a deranged person?

“I know you!” he cried as he hopped over the half-wall separating them from the section behind them. Darcy’s eyebrows shot up, as she wondered if Loki had somehow gained fans now that he was part of the Avengers. She knew that a majority of people hadn’t forgiven him and a lot of people still didn’t like him.

Of course, it had to be the same evening where she was contemplating on spilling her feelings for Loki. Now, it felt like the spotlight had been stolen by a mere fanboy.

Loki inwardly groaned as he stopped in front of their table.

“You’re that dude who tried to take over the city,” he claimed with excitement, “Where’s the outfit? I was totally thinking of making this outfit leather myself,” he placed one of his hands on his chest, “but I can’t rock it like you, leather daddy. And that helmet, _oh man_.”

He bent slightly over toward the dark prince, as Loki bit his tongue down with revulsion and evident distaste.

“So, the horns,” the mercenary mock whispered as he motioned with his fingers, “they compensating for something else?” 

The Norse God’s jaw stiffened as his emerald eyes narrowed with annoyance. He stared at the red spandex wearing stranger. His lip curled as he urged himself to maintain civility, “Try again.”

The trickster silently assessed him, trying to size him up. There was something off about this human, but he could not put his finger on it. Aside from the questionable costume, he looked relatively normal, albeit annoying. The only thing that raised any alarm were the weapons he clearly had strapped onto him. 

Not good. And he was interrupting his date with Darcy.

Deadpool turned to said woman, letting out a low whistle as his eyes locked onto her generous bosom.

“Damn, those should come with a disclaimer,” he said, as he threw himself down into the vacant seat next to her. The God of Mischief gripped the table’s edge dangerously, urging himself to not inflict any harm on the intruder. He was different now, or at least not the same man that had destroyed this city.

However, his blood boiled over when comments like that were directed at the woman he was trying to court. 

“I come with a disclaimer: Get lost before I fry your balls,” Darcy remarked, as she crossed her arms over her chest, shielding them from his ogling. She was used to the attention on her breasts, but hearing comments like this with Loki around made her even angrier. Her blue eyes darted to her purse where her taser was before she glared at him warningly.

He put his hands up in defense, “Hey now, I’m sorry that those have been added into my spank bank for later, but cut me some slack,” he stated as he turned to the Asgardian prince and motioned with his head, “I mean look at them. They can feed _all_ the starving children in Africa.” 

Loki’s jaw twitched with irritation as he turned to look at his date. While the man made quite a fine point about her ample breasts, his comments were unwanted by the two. And he wasn’t about to voice his own liking for them either, especially when he wasn’t sure how Darcy felt about him. She had agreed to go on this date with him, but the early night was turning out to be quite the disaster now.

“I am literally going to fry your face on this table,” Darcy claimed, as she made an indication at the grill on their table. She had all intention of stuffing her face tonight on delicious steak and shellfish, but this asshat decided to come and ruin their date at the hibachi house. She was either going to fry or taser him until next Tuesday. 

Or hell, she was going to do both if he didn’t fuck off in the next few seconds.

“God, I love when they talk dirty,” he moaned annoyingly, before straightening up and darting his eyes around the room and muttering to him, “ _Motherfucker_. He’s not here yet.”

Before he could mutter anything else, Loki stood up placing his palms flat against the table’s surface. He glared at the assassin as Darcy reached for her bag. 

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” he ground out. He was going to have to try to deal with the interruption courteously before he decided to skin him alive and horrify Darcy in the process. Since the man knew him, he knew of his capabilities. Hopefully, that knowledge would be enough to convince him to go away.

“But dinner!” he motioned to the ingredients laying on the other side of the table, “You can’t tell a starving man to go,” he placed his hand dramatically against his forehead, “I feel so faint.”

Darcy pulled her taser out, pointing it at him, “You’re definitely going to feel faint after I’m done with you.” 

He looked at Loki, pointing a thumb at Darcy at the same time, “How are you not ravaging her on this table right now?”

However, Loki didn’t have time to react as wires flew and the intruder shook from the voltage being administered to him. It lasted only a moment, but it was enough to cause his body to fall off the chair and slump onto the floor with a heavy thud. 

Loki blinked and looked at Darcy with his mouth gaped open. He was both shocked and impressed. He had heard that she had used the thing before on Thor, but he never had the chance to witness the weapon first hand. She had never tased him, even though she had threatened him with it countless of times.

“What? He would not shut up,” Darcy defended herself as she looked at her taser and sighed. The thing would have to be recharged when she got home. It was only good for one shot at a time. She peered down at the crumpled body on the floor—it was totally worth it.

However, she was not expecting him to suddenly sit up. 

Deadpool shook his head and slapped himself once before he averted his gaze to the kitchen and sniffed the air. He stood suddenly, his hand going for his gun and scaring Darcy in the process as she instinctively clung onto Loki’s arm.

“Thanks for the quickie, but daddy’s got business to do,” he chimed, as he cocked his gun and made a dash for the kitchen. Before he could push through the swinging doors, a group of thugs in masks emerged with guns in their hands. It was as if they had been notified of his presence.

Instantly, Loki shoved Darcy under the table as people screamed inside the restaurant in horror. The mercenary was not the only danger and the brunette under the table was regretting choosing this place, to begin with.

"Stay right there. You'll be safer hidden from sight."

She glanced up at Loki, who quickly shimmered into his battle garments. Darcy took that moment to arm herself, and reached out to grab a single chopstick from the table. She wasn't about to play the role of damsel in distress, regardless of the fact that she was totally useless against bullets. If she hadn't wasted her taser a moment ago, she would totally feel safer. Why the hell did the guy have to be so irritating?

“Greetings, fellas!” the talkative assassin chimed merrily as he stood in front of the four men, “You guys have been extra naughty and I’m here to give repentance.”

His reply was a swift and single shot at his chest, which was met with a sigh in reply as he looked down at the bullet hole dejectedly. He flailed his arms with annoyance.

The dark-haired prince squinted his eyes, as he witnessed the exchange. How was the man not screaming in pain? What the hell was he? Mutant? No matter, it was clearly evident he wasn’t the true danger right now, especially when one of the other gunmen fired openly into the ceiling. People screamed in reaction and the people nearest to the exit ran out with fear.

Darcy held the lone chopstick against her chest like a weapon, as she stared up at Loki. She nodded at him, silently reaffirming that she was okay and that she had complete faith in him to deal with this. He was expecting her to be shaking in fear, but instead, there was trust in her blue eyes and she sat with her shoulders squared. 

The brunette was scared, but she trusted Loki to deal with the mess. He was, after all, an Avenger and a claimed God. She knew he would take care of this mess quickly. Then maybe— _hopefully_ —they can continue their date. 

She looked down at her lap, as other thoughts crossed her mind.

 _God_ , did he look good in his leather. However, the situation was anything but appropriate for thinking about riding his scepter. 

Loki’s fists curled at his sides as he stepped towards the gunmen and crazy mercenary. He was not about to give her doubt when she had faith in him. Granted, the situation did not raise alarms if it had just been him, but with Darcy present, it was crucial that he dealt with the matter with haste.

The gunmen suddenly scattered at once, as one of them fell to the floor with a bullet in their head. The man with the red mask had fired. He was swift and precise and Loki was slightly impressed by the skill behind the accuracy. 

However, he did not have time to dwell on it as he looked upon the other gunman. It was his turn to deal with the matter.

Loki fired a blast of green energy at the enemy, causing him to slam into the wall behind him. His blow was not to kill, but to render the enemy unconscious. As an Avenger, he wasn’t supposed to end a life but he may be moved to murder if these gunmen attempted to hurt Darcy. 

The trickster glanced back at the perverted gunman, to only witness something horribly fascinating. The thug, who had been shot, suddenly rose like the walking dead—the bullet dislodging from his cranium, as he stared at the mercenary who had fired at him.

“There you are, sweetums!” Deadpool cried with glee as he reached for one of the swords on his back, “I been looking _all over_ for you.”

He brandished the sword in front of him with giddiness, as Loki moved closer to the dangerous enemy. One does not just rise after taking a bullet to the head. He suspected it was another mutant since that could be the only explanation. He could not afford such an enemy to get close to Darcy whatsoever. It only spelled trouble. 

As soon as he stepped next to Wade, the assassin harshly whispered, “Don’t cockblock me, dude. _He’s mine_.”

That didn’t stop Loki from using his powers to prevent the man from drawing his gun and firing once more. The man seemed confused at his sudden inability to move and stared at Loki with curiosity. A moment later, his mouth hung ajar when it clicked who he was looking at, but it was during that same moment that Deadpool dove at him and swung his sword.

The man’s head went flying into the air and landed at Loki’s feet with a heavy thud. 

Loki was unfazed by the bloodshed. He stared down at it, before blinking and looking at the assassin. The red-clad man was examining the bullet hole he had acquired earlier, as he casually shot down the third shooter. 

That left one more and the sound of a familiar panicked scream brought no comfort. He suddenly whirled around at the cry of distress. The last gunman held Darcy, his weapon firmly planted against her temple and Loki’s heart sank with horror. 

Deadpool seemed alarmed at the scream and looked up, arms flailing with outrage, “Oh, come on. Not sweet tits!”

But before he could do anything, Loki was already taking action. He swiftly disengaged the gun from its target with a flick of his hand. As soon as the gun was no longer pointed at Darcy, that she slammed the chopstick in her possession into the thug’s shoulder. He cried with agony, as Loki teleported and scooped Darcy into his arms. He wanted to remove her from harm’s way quickly before he dealt with the problem for good. 

He was going to rip this man apart for even daring to hurt her.

However, his plan to tear the man from limb to limb was lost when Darcy suddenly and fiercely kissed him. She grasped the lapels of his outfit tightly and pressed herself against him, as she poured her feelings into the kiss. He could feel the desperation, lust, and love behind the heated kiss. He stiffened momentarily, before returning it with the same passion.

Somehow, he managed to briefly hear the sound of sword piercing flesh, but he could care less. He was too focused on the sweet lips pressed against his own.

The mercenary sighed wistfully, as he impaled the man in front of him to the wall, “Damn, I _love_ a happy ending.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was way too much fun to write. Instead of me sleeping, you get this. I hope you’re happy. Thanks for reading!


End file.
